Sometimes I hate trying to come-up with a blog title, or even a blog topic for that matter. Today marks exactly one year since Wildflower broke-up with me. So, I wanted to write about how far I’ve come over the last year. But I also want to give advice about how I overcame heartbreak. But what should I put for a title? And should I cover both topics or just one? Well, I can’t ignore what today is. It’s shaped so much of who I’ve become. So, I think I’ll stick to focusing on the anniversary and leave the specifics for how I overcame heartbreak to another blog topic. But I will focus on the one key thing I learned.
But what to call it?
Because here’s the thing: I absolutely had my heart broken exactly one year ago today. But it wasn’t the only heartbreak. No, it was just one of at least a half dozen heartbreaks that led me to that ultimate heartbreak. And it was all the heartbreaks that led me here.
My ex cheating on me. My marriage falling apart. My children growing-up for years without a “healthy” mother. My soulmate suffering injuries in a car accident. God seemingly shrugging His shoulders to my pleas for help, and losing my soulmate.
All broke my heart.
All changed me.
But it was one year ago when it all really came crashing down. Enough was enough.
And yeah, I tripped and stumbled around for a few weeks before I committed to finally overcoming all the heartbreak. A few weeks passed before I committed to healing myself and not just making the pain bearable. I made a commitment to turn inside and finally heal the pain.
And that’s the key. It’s about me. The solutions aren’t found anywhere but inside of me. The answers aren’t available anywhere but within me.
That heartbreak was never about her. It was about me.
In the end, everything is about me. Losing that friend, that job, that lover, that soulmate, that pet, my health, your health, the world. Everything is about me. And everything is about you too.
And with that truth comes the ultimate responsibility.
And the greatest freedom.
Of course I don’t mean this in a conceited or selfish way. What I mean is that I am in control of myself. It is my life. I am mine. And I have the power to be happy and/or fulfilled. I have the power to move forward each day. I can move in whatever direction I choose. I can decide who I want to be and where I want to go. It’s all up to me.
Yes, here I am sitting here on this sunny Wednesday morning, still thinking about Wildflower. I think about her every single day. Many times throughout the day. And I have no idea if she ever thinks about me. I have no idea if she’s now in love with someone else and has completely moved on. I have no idea.
But in the end, it doesn’t matter. It’s not about her. It’s about me.
And I recently realized that part of the struggle for me is because I never got any closure. We spent almost 4 months trying to stay away from each other but we kept falling back into each other’s arms. And we kept professing out love for each other. We were madly in love. Even months after the break-up.
And I don’t know if she will recover to the point where she decides she wants to be with me and can be with me forever. Or does she hate me now? Has she found a way to demonize me? I don’t know. I only know she’s basically ghosted me after telling me she wanted to marry me. It’s all so confusing and it all makes me feel desperate and so lonely and feeble.
But it’s not about her. It’s not about what she might be doing today or what she might do tomorrow. It’s not about what she’s thinking or feeling. It’s about me.
It’s all about me.
When I focus back on myself, I no longer feel weak or confused or stupid. I am empowered. I am no longer lonely.
When I focus on what I can control – namely me – then my whole world brightens.
And that’s the key. It’s been my key to growing into a better place. The best place I’ve been in a long time. A very long time.
Yeah, I still miss Wildflower. Yeah, I still wish for her. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss her smile lighting-up my entire being. I miss holding her hand and kissing her mouth and holding her.
I miss her so much.
And yeah, I know it’s been a year. But so what? I love her. And whether it’s right or wrong – the missing and the loving and the pain that still sometimes cuts through me like a sharp razor blade – doesn’t matter. Because it’s all just truth. It’s reality. And I choose to see the beauty in it. I choose to see how special and deep that love is. Just because it ended so badly doesn’t mean it wasn’t beautiful. And just because she’s chosen to cut me and my kids completely out of her life without any explanation, doesn’t make my love for her any less beautiful.
She’s done what she’s done. That will not define me. I will do what I do. And that will define me. It’s up to me. Completely.
And yeah I am angry at her for what she’s done. I’m angry and hurt by many of the things she did and said while we were together and after we broke-up.
But here’s the bottom line:
It was all a gift. The good far outweighed the bad. She was so good to me most of the time and the times we shared sometimes rose to the level of being spiritual. I’m telling you. I never dreamed I could feel a love like the love we shared. I didn’t even know it existed. So, I will not let that be taken away from me.
And the break-up was also a gift. It shook me awake. It shifted my perspective on everything. And it led me to reach farther than I ever would have reached. It led me to seeing myself in a way I never would have seen myself. It led me here and it will lead me to where I will go tomorrow and next week, next month, next year, and beyond. It led to my true freedom.
So, here I am at one year. I am sad. And being with her sometimes feels so long ago that it’s all just a dream. While other times it feels like yesterday.
But overall, I’m happy that I’m not that scared, twisted-up man I was a year ago. I’m thankful for all the gifts Wildflower gave me. And I’m looking forward to moving forward into the summer.
I’m excited for the future. (A little scared too.) But I know it will be okay. Because I know I have the answers. And I know I will be okay. I’ll be more than okay.