I wrote a little over 1500 words on a new book I’m trying to write. It’s a work of fiction and the idea for writing it has been with me for over a year. 1500 words is an accomplishment because it’s the most words I’ve written in a day in almost 2 years. It might be total crap. But that’s okay. I’m excited that I took that first step. And I’m excited to see how the book turns out.
For a couple years, I was writing prolifically. I was writing under 2 pen names: Charlie Arnold and Chai Rose. And summer before last, I was doing pretty well with it. I was self-publishing, which used to be a greasy, slimy thing to me, but it’s not anymore and I was gaining traction on Amazon.
Then I re-connected with Wildflower and I willingly turned away from my writing.
This is a re-occuring theme in my life. I’ll dive into my writing and then allow myself to be taken out of it. In other words: I take myself out of it.
It happened right after college when I met my ex. It happened while I was married. And then it happened when I was with Wildflower.
I need to be honest: I’m always looking for happiness (isn’t everyone?). I’m always looking for fulfillment. (Are they the same thing? Are they dependent on each other? That’s a question for another day.) I’ll find it in my writing but then when something else comes along – such as falling madly in love with Wildflower – I abandon my writing.
And let me be clear, I’m not blaming Wildflower or anyone else. She actually kept encouraging me to write. But I refused. Me. I did it.
And so the lesson that keeps popping-up is to stay true to my writing.
The lesson that keeps popping up is to stay true myself.
The lesson I am learning, the lesson everyone needs to learn, is that we all need to learn to rely on ourselves. We need to learn that we are enough and each of us are the most important person in life. And we need to figure out what we’re meant to do, what fulfills us, and then hold onto it and never let it go. Not for anyone or anything.
But it’s not so easy for me to write, not write for a very long time, and then write again. I get scared that I can’t write anymore. I’m too rusty. I have no talent for it. I’ll only embarrass myself. These are the things that I tell myself.
So, it’s tough to start writing again. That’s partially why I started this blog. To find my voice. To kind of prime the writing pump. But it’s still a leap to go from blogging to writing fiction.
When I was a middle school and high school English teacher, I used to tell my students:
“If you can’t find a door, break a window.”
That’s the advice I would give to them for any type of writing. But it’s especially true for writing fiction. Just start. Just sit down and write. Like Nike says: “Just do it”! Don’t worry about how bad it is. Don’t judge.
And really, that applies to life, too. Don’t wait to do something you love. Don’t keep telling yourself that you’re not ready. Take action now! Just move forward and take the next right step. Begin. Just begin.
Live your life now. Live your true life- your destiny – now.
And that’s what I’m learning to do. To begin. To take the next right step. It’s okay that I don’t know all the steps. It’s okay that I feel lost sometimes. Because, in the end, life is just a game. And I’m meant to play. It’s meant to be fun.
Of course, a lot of times it isn’t fun. In fact, right now in my life, there is stuff going on with my oldest child that is heartbreaking. But that’s part of life too. And I can’t let it paralyze me. I make the choice to move forward still. I choose to keep playing. Even if it feels like I’m not ready.
I choose to write. I choose to reach. I choose to live.
And when I can’t find a door to go through to move forward, to keep playing – to live my life – then I’ll break a window.