I’m really freaking angry.
And I’m trying to figure out if this anger is good or bad.
I’m also wondering if I should be judging it at all.
Does it make me bad?
I get that anger is a secondary emotion. It’s an emotion born from another emotion. Often anger comes forward because we’re afraid or hurt.
And I know I’m both.
I’m afraid and I’m hurt.
And I’m also really angry.
Angry because my 17-year-old has had a bad few days again. And when he has a bad day, he turns on me.
Angry because I feel like God let me down. Or that He doesn’t even care enough to have let me down. And that makes me feel so empty.
I mean, my children are the most precious to me. I’ve always wanted a family. I’ve always wanted to be a dad to children. And I am thankful that I have 2 children and they live with me full-time. I am thankful for that.
(And I’m so ashamed to admit this…)
In the last few months, there are times when I can’t stand being a parent.
Admitting that… typing the words just now… makes me a little sick to my stomach.
But it’s true. And it’s so sad.
But God has allowed this to happen. He’s allowed me to be alone. He’s allowed my child to suffer with mental issues. And he’s seen fit to send Wildflower into my life and rip her away from me too.
I feel ashamed to even still be writing about Wildflower. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel little.
Why can’t I just move on?
But here’s a woman I got to know when my marriage was falling apart. She helped me so much. And she became one of my best friends. I shared everything with her. And she shared everything with me.
I fell in love with her while we were friends. And I loved her for years.
Silently. Painfully. Patiently.
And then circumstances brought us back together and we shared a beautiful 3 months together as a couple.
But then the accident. Then the injuries. Then the changes.
And now here I am.
And that all makes me so flipping angry.
Angry at the world. Angry at Wildflower. Angry at God.
And I don’t want to be angry anymore.
I want to like the world.
I want to be close to God.
And I absolutely don’t want to be mad at Wildflower. I love her. And I still feel that connection like we were meant to be together.
But I now see that we aren’t going to be together. Still, the way it ended. The way that she is acting. The things she’s done to me and – more importantly – my children. She broke my 14-years-old’s heart. And didn’t even seem to care.
That makes me so angry! But I feel guilt about that anger.
Do I need to email her one last time to gain my own closure? Do I need to just keep trying to let it go? Is it okay to be mad at her? Should I feel guilty about it?
See what a mess I am?
I’m a living dumpster fire.
And I feel like I should be starting to be okay now.
I feel like a bad parent. I feel like a bad person.
I feel bad for being angry. I feel bad for being messy. And I feel like I’m bad for not knowing how to make myself feel better.
I’m bad for still being in this horrible place.
I’m bad for writing this blog entry.
I am bad.
But so much of my anger, and my judging myself as bad, and my feeling weak and small and inferior, comes from the fact that I am in so much pain. Pain over Wildflower. Pain over my child. Pain over my loss of faith. Pain over not enjoying my life.
Why can’t I just move on? Why can’t I just be happy? Right now. Why is it taking so long?
And I know a big part of why it’s such a long journey is because of my heart. My heart is so confused. Because it still feels like Wildflower and I were always meant to be. It’s still waiting for her. Like it was waiting for her for years. Like it was waiting for her before I even knew her.
And maybe that’s what the anger is all about. It’s the disconnect between my heart and my mind. My mind knows it’s over. My mind knows that I need to move forward. But my heart is lost. My heart isn’t ready to move on.
And, it is true that time is man made. It’s an agreed upon measurement in the physical world and in our minds. Our hearts don’t know time. And neither do our spirits. Our hearts and our spirits are eternal. So time means nothing to them.
That’s why when we’re with someone whom we love very much – time flies by in hyper speed. Or when we’re doing something we love – time whips right by. Because the heart is not affected by time.
So, why would it be affected when it’s feeling pain? It’s not. Which is why some minutes, when the pain is particularly sharp, drag on forever.
I need to stop putting a stop clock on my pain. As long as I am reaching… and as long as I am moving forward through each day… then I am doing what I need to do. No matter how angry I might be. No matter how messy everything might look and feel. I am not bad.
And besides, I know that I’m getting to know myself. And I’ve gathered many tools to help me. So, I know that eventually the pain will lessen and then leave.
I know that.
Or at least my mind knows. But maybe my heart doesn’t. And that’s okay.
Because I could never get angry with my heart. I love how deeply I love. I love how deeply I care for others. And I know that the depth of my heart, not only allows me to feel all the good stuff, it also makes me vulnerable to feel pain. And that’s okay.
It’s okay that I am not okay today. And it’s okay if I’m not okay tomorrow.
It is okay.
And I’m certainly angry. Things are certainly messy. I am messy – sometimes more than others. But I’m not bad. And my feelings aren’t bad. Neither is my anger.
Love is a coin with pure elation on one side and utter despair on the other side.
But love is the most precious emotion any of us can feel. And I will always choose it – no matter what side of the coin I’m dealing with.
That much I know with everything that I am, ever have been, and ever will be.