This is the second part of a 2 part blog. If you haven’t and you want to read the first part, just click here.
Now, on to part 2:
Photo by Michael Shannon
I have to admit, when I wrote the first part of the blog, I expected the second part to be all about the night ending and daytime taking hold. I thought the darkness would lift and the light would take hold in my life, and then that would be what I blogged about.
But it hasn’t worked out that way.
The night… the darkness… has stuck around. And so, this blog entry will have to be about that.
I really did think that I would get-up and write a blog entry and then slowly pull out of the funk I was in. I had faith that my breathing exercise, followed by meditation, followed by working out, would kick me back into a positive state of mind.
But it didn’t.
And when it didn’t, I started not feeling well about not feeling well. And that was my first mistake.
Should I even label it a mistake? Is that being too judgemental too? Am I judging myself for judging myself? Am I adding another layer of judgment right now?
On some weird, sadistic level, I must enjoy labeling myself as being bad or behaving badly.
How bad is that?
And there I go again. Judging for judging for judging… it’s a vicious cycle. And it has to stop.
It’s not that I love to judge myself. And it’s not that I love to label myself as being bad.
The truth is, it brings me comfort. It makes me feel safe.
If I judge myself before someone else does, then I feel like my own judgment insulates me. It protects me. It does. But it also enslaves me. It’s a cage protecting me from the rest of the world while also keeping me in one place.
And that’s a truth I just recently figured out.
This cage provides a level of protection. But, it also robs me of all my freedom.
Even though I know to be compassionate with myself. And though I know I shouldn’t judge myself or my thoughts or my emotions, I still do. I do it without even realizing it. But, at least I’m finally noticing it. Eventually. And that’s an improvement.
So, now here I am a couple days after the first part of the blog. And I’m still feeling the darkness. I’m in the middle of it. Really deep in it.
And it all makes me really freaking angry. So angry I just want to scream. Really, I just want to give up.
You know, I always had this belief that if I was good then I would be protected from the bad. And I know, bad things happen to good people every single day. And I know I should be grateful for what I have. I know I have a lot compared to some people. But the way I feel right now, I don’t care about any of that. I am so tired of the challenges my teenager gives due to his mental illness. I am tired of being alone. I feel like God has deserted me. Clearly, my belief in Him was misguided. For years – I mean over 7 years – I kept the faith and prayed and worshiped and waited. And things only get worse.
I know everything seems darker now. The lens I’m looking through is very dark so everything just looks dark. It’s not true. I know. But this is how I feel right now. This is how things look. And I’m just so tired and sick of it all.
It was 2 nights ago that I woke-up and cried in my bed. I begged God to just give me a light, send me a bone, something… anything to show me I’m not alone. And then things got even worse.
I have to believe that this is all part of a larger story and I will grow from this and expand even more. But right now, the pain that will (hopefully) lead to that growth is really stinging.
But here is what I won’t do:
I will not compromise myself. I will not change who I am.
I like to think I hurt so deeply because I open-up my heart unconditionally. I love deeply so it only makes sense that I would also hurt deeply.
And I will not give away the love. So, I guess I have to accept the hurt.They are opposite sides of a coin that I choose to carry with me.
I just wish that coin would hurry up and flip.