Most of yesterday was a good day. I was in a good place. I was okay with the past and not worried about the future. But then toward the end of the day, my 14-year-old broke down and cried because she missed Wildflower. My daughter sent Wildflower an email the day before and she’d not yet received a reply. But that wasn’t really why she was crying.
My daughter was crying because she misses Wildflower. She was crying because Wildflower promised her she’d always be there for her. Wildflower had stepped-in and assumed the mom role since my ex is incapable of being enough of a mom. And Wildflower had promised my daughter her own bedroom in the new house and told her she’d always be welcome. But now, it seems maybe all those promises are being broken. Or at least put on hold. And now my daughter – who placed all her precious trust in this woman – is now wondering if that trust has been betrayed. And if Wildflower can betray trust, then who the hell can be trusted?
That’s why the bulk of her tears were cried.
Really, that’s what I struggle with the most too.
Was I wrong? Did I mistakenly trust this woman? And if I did, then how can I ever trust anyone again?
When my ex was in the middle of her wandering around (both metaphorically and physically), I used to hold my daughter every night as she cried herself to sleep. Last night, I sat on the couch and held her again. And it makes me so angry I could scream. It hurts me so badly that I just want to break stuff.
I don’t know what to do. And not knowing what to do makes me even angrier.
I decided that not knowing is okay for now. And I have faith that either I will know at some point in the future or I’ll stop caring. And that thought comforts me. I don’t need to know right now. I just need to focus on myself, right now. And all I have to do is live truthfully and lead with love. That is who I want to be today.
But seeing my daughter so upset has really plunged me back into darkness this morning. It rips me up. And I just want to be able to tell her everything will be okay. Or I wish I could tell her it’s time to leave Wildflower in the past and grieve that and move forward.
Is that the answer?
Because here’s what complicates everything: I feel this pull still – a pull toward Wildflower and this knowing inside of me that we are meant to be together. Is that just the heartbreak? Am I just delusional? I might be. But I know my daughter feels that too. She feels the connection that has been there between us and Wildflower and her son for years. it’s still there.
Are we both delusional?
And then add to everything the fact that last I knew Wildflower was struggling from depression largely as a result of her brain injury. This fact adds to the confusion. Are we still just taking a break from each other? Does she just need time to get well? Or is this who she was all along?
See, I’m losing my objectivity. I’m finding it hard to trust myself. I’ve always known who Wildflower was. She was trustworthy. She was worthy of being close to me and my kids. She was respectable and honest and kind and loving. I know that.
But is she still?
Here is what I need to remember when I drop into this darkness: I can only truly take care of myself. And I need to get back to the basics and focus on myself. I need to remember to be compassionate with myself. And I need to keep reaching and growing as a human being.
At the end of the day, I know I can trust myself. At least when I’m well. So, I need to focus on that. And let the Wildflower stuff just be – at least for today.
But I keep coming back to my daughter and her pain. I guess the same rules apply. I can be there for her. I can hold her when she cries. I can wipe away her tears with my fingers. But I can only do so much for her. And one of the biggest things I can do is show her my strength and my courage. I can also keep telling her it will be okay. Because I believe it will be.
It just really sucks to see my child suffering. But I know I can’t protect her from pain. I can only help remind her of her own strength and courage. And I can sit in the shit with her so she doesn’t feel completely alone.
And I know that when it’s dark, it feels like it will always be dark. And it feels like everything is surrounded by darkness. But it’s not. And the darkness won’t always last. I know this. And it’s okay that the darkness is here now. Maybe it’s meant to spur me to take action and to contact Wildflower. But I don’t know. I do know, that while the darkness is here, I can’t make any big decisions. First, I have to let in some light. So I can see.
And I let in the light by exercising for my body. I do it by being compassionate with myself for my mind. And I do it by patient and kind, for my spirit. I do it by loving myself and treating myself well. And hopefully that is the lesson my daughter will learn. To be kind to herself and to love herself. And if she does learn that, then not only is this space and time and circumstance – this darkness – okay, it’s actually all worth it.
Finally, I also acknowledge my love for Wildflower. And I respect where she is right now. I honor her decision and allow it to be her decision, without judgment. Because I know she loves me. I especially know she loves my kids. And I know she misses us. So, I have to believe that she is doing what she needs to do for herself and for her child. And I also have to believe, she will be okay too.
I need to let the light in everywhere – in my heart and soul. And that includes not holding onto anger or resentment toward Wildflower. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong. I don’t know if it’s healthy or unhealthy. I just know it feels right and good. And that’s all I need to know right now.
I need to focus on bringing in the light. I can’t get rid of the darkness by focusing on it or wishing it away. I get rid of the darkness by letting the light in. And the light is love and compassion and truth. The darkness is resentment and anger and confusion. So, I will choose to focus on the light. I will choose love and compassion and truth and kindness too.
And how is that accomplished? By focusing on what I know to be true. Even if it’s just a few things. And by letting go of the anger and all that feeds into the darkness – the questions that can’t be answered. Of course, it would be great to be able to answer them. But trying to find the answers is just fumbling in the darkness. Trying to find the answers is just trying to chase away the darkness. That’s now possible. Darkness can’t be pushed away or chased away. It can only be replaced with light. And that’s all I need to focus on right now. I just need to let in the light.